i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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