I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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