True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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