Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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