the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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