Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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