I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
there is puke in my bra ... again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
