You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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