I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
