Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
