I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend