got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life