It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
