I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As shirtless as possible
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
