i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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