a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
