If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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