He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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