Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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