your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
