so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
