first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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