I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED