FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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