dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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