exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
