I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
