Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
