i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
