Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
why is half of my head shaved?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
