just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
