I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You ruined the universe
Randomize
