tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
