my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
