Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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