So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
