today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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