the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
