Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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