i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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