so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
