So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
