I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
