I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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