You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
