I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
