I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He shit in the fireplace
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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