i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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