If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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