I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
