The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I am one with the molecules
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
