Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
