i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
