The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
