$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store