I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?