I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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