we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
