I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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