it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
