Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
